Tragedy Comes Like A Ghost In The Night. A dark, terrible ghost with glowing eyes and violent tendencies.

I can smell the shot fired. It hangs in the darkness like a stink and a stain on my little utopia, the smell of gun fire will never fade. Not even the rising sun in a few hours will lift the horror or the aroma… Nor will it dissipate my sadness. It has been an alarming night. I can’t stop shaking and at this point I am just glad Dr. Farmer Moomin, is inside safe and unharmed. But we lost one of our own tonight. A precious member of our family, was taken from us in a bloody act of violence that came out of the woods and invaded our barnyard. This is the second horror event in the last like week or so to have unfolded here. I am demoralized. Most importantly, I am grateful deeply deeply grateful to the Berlin MA’s finest.

We heard one of our goats screaming out in the woods. We didn’t know where she was. It was pitch dark, we could see nothing in the night. Dr. Farmer Moomin, bear spray in hand and the only flashlight went searching like the hero that entered the Labyrinth, in Ancient Greek Lore. He walked about the woods, turning around every tree, minding the fence line, seeking the horrible bleating in the darkness. The crying that will live in my mind till the day I die. A sound that made the hair all over my body stand on end. It sounded like untold horror. One of our family members was out there alone crying and suffering. I still feel physically sick. It takes everything I am in this moment to stabilize my fingers enough to even type. I am shaking. And now that it is over, a member of our family is gone. 

I called our local police, and like the wonderful crew that they are, they came as quickly as possible. They went out with my husband to the place where our dear little goat lay suffering, and they did what had to be done. Nothing should be laying there dying from a bear attack and just get left there to slowly suffer. One of the cops, did the kindness of ending her life. Compassion, isn’t always pretty or easy. Sometimes it is fast, loud, over and final. 

Something is stalking my farm. Something large and dangerous. Something that will go after a 90 lb goat under the cover of darkness and drag it away. Something that will rip and shred the wood of a shed wall….. Bending down fences, lifting whole chicken coops off the ground. Something is terrorizing this farm and it is coming within feet of the house. 

This threat to the safety of all of us can not be ignored. It is my hope that whatever it is gets found. I need a new rug in my living room. Unfortunately bear hunting is illegal in this state run by idiots in the city who have never spent an hour on a farm. We have a bear problem in this damn state. I really wish the fools in our government would reinstate bear hunting. Until they do, we will of course follow the law. We will do all we can to bring in some support from the local animal officer and fish and wildlife. Yeh the same fish and wildlife who thought I was hilarious last time I called about this bear. A good animal that provided us with food, and a lot of love is gone. A member of our family. All because Massachusetts, is not taking bears seriously. Well…. Let me tell you a tale about a town in new Hampshire, called Grafton. They had too many bears there. Those bears were coming right up close just as they are here on this farm of late. People were attacked and nearly killed and suffered horribly. I would hope the great state of Massachusetts, home of Harvard and MIT, can find a way to be more intellectually astute about problem bears than a libertarian wonderland. But all I get when I call out for help in a state where I pay some of the highest fucking taxes in the country when I call fish and wildlife is giggles. A large portion of this state is NOT made up of city folk. Much of it is NOT down town. Our issues deserve to be heard and dealt with. There is a damn bear problem in Massachusetts. It is only going to be a matter of time before people get hurt. We know this because we already watched Grafton’s situation play out. We have already in recent history had a bear walk through Lexington. A bear pulled a man from a crashed car and eat him. No one is quite sure if he was alive or dead at the time. All over my tiny rural town this furry sadistic bastard has been seen. Even as children play in our back yards, and pets go out. People walk alone to their chicken coop on the far side of their yard….  If this thing is taking out 90 lb goats one of these days he is gonna go after a 12 year old. I hope those parents take some action that perhaps will wipe the giggles right off the faces of fish and wildlife. Because the death of farm animals clearly means nothing to them. The fact that this thing has repeatedly come within feet of my home means nothing. 

Anyway…. It has been a tragic and troubling night. I fear more are ahead and I fear for the local children who weigh less than 90 lbs who live not so far from us. Because this bear… Is taking out rather large prey. The only way it is likely going to stop is if someone makes it stop. But….. That is illegal in this state. Soooo I expect more terrible sorrow and problems. It is still on the books last I checked, though it is a law no longer followed…. It states no one can cross Boston Commons without a shot gun in case of bears. Now…. I for one don’t want to end every last bear in this state. Just the ones coming way too close to people and killing farm animals. I fear at the rate the population of bears is growing in this state… A day not so long from now will arise in which we are once again in the middle of down town Boston, in need of a shot gun in case of bears. Can we please do something about this issue before we reach that point? 

We are going to feel this loss and a kind of terror, every time we step out of our house into our barn yard for a long long time. The sound of that poor living thing suffering will never leave me. It is only a matter of time before it is a child making that sound because this bear has no fucks to give until fish and wildlife give him a fuck to give. Something needs to be done other than giggling and total indifference. If my tax dollars pay your salary DO SOMETHING before it is my neighbor’s kid!

Tomorrow, we will call to have her cremated. Then we will spread her ashes. We are full of sorrow. She was a good goat and a good friend.

But, this is part of farming. This way of life isn’t easy. I tell myself that every time something goes wrong… But it doesn’t make loss any easier. It doesn’t make the crying out in the night silent. But this is the life we chose. It isn’t for everyone. It isn’t easy. It isn’t convenient. It isn’t even safe. But if it were would it make us feel as alive? 

So where do we go from here? Dr. Farmer Moomin, is headed for bed. I feel a sense of gratitude, that he is safe warm, and cozy trying to rest. Because whatever is prowling around, it isn’t little and I was terrified as he walked around looking for our goat crying in the dark. If that thing had attacked him, I just don’t know…. I just can’t even… 

Inside there is darkness tonight of spirit built from loss. Outside there is darkness of the night that surrounds us in which something large horrible and dangerous prowls…

Living out surrounded by nature, at the whims of nature…. It is everything except easy. If this bear thinks he is going to scare us off our homestead, he has another thing coming. Cuz as horrible as this night has been and as acutely as I feel it…. This is our home. This is our family. Steps will be taken to protect them. Solving the bear problem is now our most important task. Part of keeping living things, part of living out here close to nature is losing those you dedicate your life to caring for. You have to be more stubborn than the planet itself. You must be willing to accept impermanence, even when it hurts you to your core. This is the life we signed up for. Tonight it sux. But tomorrow, even as we still smell the shot fired, it will be a new day. A day dedicated to protecting what we have from a predator stalking our woods. But I feel the loss every single time… And still I will show up tomorrow and every day after to care for this farm. I love this place and all the living things on it. So I will show up for those who remain. This is what it takes to homestead. 

I would like to once again thank Berlin PD. I owe you all some cookies.
Or a pie… Or both… I am so sorry to have brought you out here in the middle of the night. 
You left your families and homes and come to mine and faced the dark and something evil out there…
You showed compassion to a living thing that I loved in a way I couldn’t, when she needed it most.
We are so lucky to have such brave people in our community we can call on in an emergency.
Thank you.

To our neighbors who may have been trying to sleep, I am so sorry if the noise made it difficult. It has been dealt with. The gun shot was unfortunately necessary. I hope it didn’t wake you, or cause you fear or discomfort. We were tying to do the only thing we could for a suffering animal in acute distress. 

Thank you for reading.
Amanda of Wildflower Farm